I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How's work?
Spinning.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
