I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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