i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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