he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
