if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
