Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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