I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
