Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
