im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
