Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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