Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
