Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Come see our sink grown plant.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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