There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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