When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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