For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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