I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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