you traded sex for a burrito?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
