We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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