I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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