i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
only you would photoshop your dick
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
These tits shall not be calmed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
