Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
