Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
