Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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