There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
