I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
