She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
