but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
