Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
