I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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