he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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