The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
