so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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