I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
