eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
