Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am midnight drunk by noon
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
