Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dear god my vagina.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
