just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
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