Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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