for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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