i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
