I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
