i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
