Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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