Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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