The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
