I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
