A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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