Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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