she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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