I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
