were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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