He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
