I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You need Xanax blowdarts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
