just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
