you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He passed out mid-signature
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize