my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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