I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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