if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
